It began with this useful chart a friend shared with me:
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/07/fb/d0/07fbd0bf2e2b9cb1be0f15a20b4f6adb.jpg
I don't own the rights to this image. Fortunately, I don't earn money from this blog so I think I am following their rules for duplication. This wheel is excellent. It has helped me better identify my emotions and helped my kids to identify theirs. I like the fact that it identifies emotions as feelings that are opposite from each other. Notice the colors are the same to help identify the opposite of what you are feeling to be the opposite instead of calling emotions good or bad. I appreciate that they identified what used to be called "negative emotions" and are now being called "big emotions" as "needs not being met" and the opposite as "needs being met". I was amazed when I read the information on the bottom of the page. I did not create it but it is available for free online so I am going to zoom in on the bottom of page to talk more specifically about that.
The first time I read this section carefully I noticed a problem with language that is being used to share thoughts, evaluations and judgments under the cloak of feelings. Why is this a problem? Feelings are sacred space. Emotions are not facts but they are information about how I am processing facts and my experience of the world. When I state my emotional experience it is not negotiable. When I say I am feeling angry, or sad, or happy, or scared there is no arguing with that. No one can say my feelings are not real or different from what I say they are because no one else is me or can feel my emotions for me.
Becoming aware of my emotions and the value of the information they provide has been a process of learning for me for the last 6 years of my life. I learned that anger is not a bad emotion but informs me when my personal boundaries have been crossed. I learned that sadness is information about how I process disappointment and grieve the loss of my expectations being met. I learned that fear helps me recognize when my life is in danger and also when my understanding of reality is being changed. I learned that happy is not necessarily the state of being that I will experience endlessly but that I can enjoy it while it lasts. I have also learned that contentment is a more stable emotion that I can enjoy even when I experience a range of different emotions. The strength that I have experienced from becoming aware of my emotions is akin to the strength I have gained from practicing yoga and becoming aware of my body and my muscles. When I practice awareness of my feet and actively notice my muscles flexing I gain stability and balance in difficult poses and postures. The same things happen in my life experience when I practice awareness of my emotions.
When I feel anger and recognize it quickly, I can better manage the difficult experience that triggered my anger. I more quickly identify the boundary that has been crossed and ascertain what consequence needs to be applied and follow through without exploding into a rage. The best example I can think of to share is a few weeks ago when my kids were being kids and bringing all their wants needs and expectations to me, the mom, while I was busy trying to meet the wants needs and expectations that were important. I was making breakfast and busy and when this happened I felt frustrated and overwhelmed. I recognized my anger and realized the boundary was, "I am limited, I can't meet every request immediately". I made a public announcement to my children. "If you see I am busy and you can help with a request that is being made to me while I am busy please help." That was the gist of it and I didn't yell it but I said it loud and clear and my amazing, intelligent children responded well! Since that day there have been several times when they followed through while I was busy and it has been amazing and I was so glad I didn't have a tantrum in that moment and could speak my need.
So what is the problem again? I am hearing the words "I feel like" used in media and conversations more and more regularly when the meaning they are really conveying is "I think." This is a problem because it is using the word "FEEL" as protection cloak for opinions. If no one can argue with feelings and I state my opinion as a feeling, then no one can argue with my opinion. This is dangerous to our language. It is like hiding a military base in a civilian area and saying the enemy can't attack because they would kill innocent people. It also undermines emotions. If I state my opinion as a feeling to avoid the discomfort of someone disagreeing with me I will undermine my own ability to separate feelings from facts. I will also undermine my ability to discern truth from opinion coming from other people. Eventually people will argue with thoughts expressed as feelings and believe that all feelings including actual internal emotions can be argued because the word loses it's meaning when we allow it to used this way. It invalidates emotions as a sacred space.
Over the last week I have been catching myself when I say the words "I feel" and found that I had to pause to express the actual emotion. Then I said "I think" and I had to work to connect that emotion with the thought. I realized that I was afraid of offending other people with my thought and using feelings as a mask to avoid confrontation or disagreements. Just now my daughter came in to tell me that her brother won a game and he was mad that she and her sister were saying they won too. I caught myself again. "I think he feels like... I think he feels mad, because he thinks that you are saying he didn't really win the game or that he is not allowed to enjoy winning."
I ask you to consider your language. Are you using the phrase "I feel like" to disguise your opinion to avoid confrontation? Can you challenge yourself for one week to say the words "I feel" with only an emotion and to say the words "I think" when you have an opinion to share? It might feel a little scary but it might also be expanding or changing your understanding of reality. If you have tried it I would love to hear about your experience in the comments.