Feelings...Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

In the last year I have become aware of a problem in our language as a society that is troubling.  I want to air my thoughts here because it is too long for a Facebook post and I want to get straight to the point.
It began with this useful chart a friend shared with me:
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/07/fb/d0/07fbd0bf2e2b9cb1be0f15a20b4f6adb.jpg

I don't own the rights to this image.  Fortunately, I don't earn money from this blog so I think I am following their rules for duplication.  This wheel is excellent.  It has helped me better identify my emotions and helped my kids to identify theirs.  I like the fact that it identifies emotions as feelings that are opposite from each other.  Notice the colors are the same to help identify the opposite of what you are feeling to be the opposite instead of calling emotions good or bad.  I appreciate that they identified what used to be called "negative emotions" and are now being called "big emotions" as "needs not being met" and the opposite as "needs being met".  I was amazed when I read the information on the bottom of the page.  I did not create it but it is available for free online so I am going to zoom in on the bottom of page to talk more specifically about that.

The first time I read this section carefully I noticed a problem with language that is being used to share thoughts, evaluations and judgments under the cloak of feelings.  Why is this a problem?  Feelings are sacred space.  Emotions are not facts but they are information about how I am processing facts and my experience of the world.  When I state my emotional experience it is not negotiable.  When I say I am feeling angry, or sad, or happy, or scared there is no arguing with that.  No one can say my feelings are not real or different from what I say they are because no one else is me or can feel my emotions for me.

Becoming aware of my emotions and the value of the information they provide has been a process of learning for me for the last 6 years of my life.  I learned that anger is not a bad emotion but informs me when my personal boundaries have been crossed.  I learned that sadness is information about how I process disappointment and grieve the loss of my expectations being met.  I learned that fear helps me recognize when my life is in danger and also when my understanding of reality is being changed.  I learned that happy is not necessarily the state of being that I will experience endlessly but that I can enjoy it while it lasts.  I have also learned that contentment is a more stable emotion that I can enjoy even when I experience a range of different emotions.  The strength that I have experienced from becoming aware of my emotions is akin to the strength I have gained from practicing yoga and becoming aware of my body and my muscles.  When I practice awareness of my feet and actively notice my muscles flexing I gain stability and balance in difficult poses and postures.  The same things happen in my life experience when I practice awareness of my emotions.

When I feel anger and recognize it quickly, I can better manage the difficult experience that triggered my anger.  I more quickly identify the boundary that has been crossed and ascertain what consequence needs to be applied and follow through without exploding into a rage. The best example I can think of to share is a few weeks ago when my kids were being kids and bringing all their wants needs and expectations to me, the mom, while I was busy trying to meet the wants needs and expectations that were important.  I was making breakfast and busy and when this happened I felt frustrated and overwhelmed. I recognized my anger and realized the boundary was, "I am limited, I can't meet every request immediately".  I made a public announcement to my children.  "If you see I am busy and you can help with a request that is being made to me while I am busy please help."  That was the gist of it and I didn't yell it but I said it loud and clear and my amazing, intelligent children responded well!  Since that day there have been several times when they followed through while I was busy and it has been amazing and I was so glad I didn't have a tantrum in that moment and could speak my need.

So what is the problem again?  I am hearing the words "I feel like" used in media and conversations more and more regularly when the meaning they are really conveying is "I think."  This is a problem because it is using the word "FEEL" as protection cloak for opinions.  If no one can argue with feelings and I state my opinion as a feeling, then no one can argue with my opinion.  This is dangerous to our language.  It is like hiding a military base in a civilian area and saying the enemy can't attack because they would kill innocent people.  It also undermines emotions.  If I state my opinion as a feeling to avoid the discomfort of someone disagreeing with me I will undermine my own ability to separate feelings from facts.  I will also undermine my ability to discern truth from opinion coming from other people.  Eventually people will argue with thoughts expressed as feelings and believe that all feelings including actual internal emotions can be argued because the word loses it's meaning when we allow it to used this way.  It invalidates emotions as a sacred space.

Over the last week I have been catching myself when I say the words "I feel" and found that I had to pause to express the actual emotion.  Then I said "I think" and I had to work to connect that emotion with the thought.  I realized that I was afraid of offending other people with my thought and using feelings as a mask to avoid confrontation or disagreements.  Just now my daughter came in to tell me that her brother won a game and he was mad that she and her sister were saying they won too.  I caught myself again.  "I think he feels like... I think he feels mad, because he thinks that you are saying he didn't really win the game or that he is not allowed to enjoy winning."

I ask you to consider your language.  Are you using the phrase "I feel like" to disguise your opinion to avoid confrontation?  Can you challenge yourself for one week to say the words "I feel" with only an emotion and to say the words "I think" when you have an opinion to share?  It might feel a little scary but it might also be expanding or changing your understanding of reality.  If you have tried it I would love to hear about your experience in the comments.

Body Recovery Record

As most people have noticed I have lost weight in 2019.  I have had a lot of quiet congratulations from people.  I know why it is given to me in side conversations and gentle whispers.  Because our culture has grown ashamed of our bodies.  Some of the nicer comments have said, "You look great!  I mean, you looked great before too!"  Which leaves a hanging unspoken, uncomfortable comment in the air:  But now that I lost weight I look better?  More acceptable?  More worthy?  No!  I look like a skinnier version of my fat body.  I have a smaller waistline and I fit into a smaller pant size, but I also have a lot of loose skin, and a lot of stretch marks.  Fortunately, I didn't lose weight with the intention to become more beautiful, acceptable or worthy.  I didn't even have a goal to try to lose weight!  

I was just trying to love my body.  Like I have been for the last few years.  And I really do love my body now.  I loved it last year and I love it this year.  As I was working my recovery 12 step program I was taught the process of surrendering things beyond my control.  One of the the big things that I have struggled with for many years was control over my eating and my weight.  I had success losing weight on the 6 week body makeover back when my first child was 3 years old and I spent the next several years fighting for control over my body.  I was fighting cravings and fighting the desire to eat foods that I was addicted to and fighting to make my body look a certain way through exercise.  Surrendering was about letting go of that struggle and trusting God to take care of me regardless of what happened next.  I was done fighting.  I surrendered my body, the way I viewed it and my desires to change it to God.

The next couple years I realized slowly as a result of that surrender how unhealthy my relationship was with my own body.  My spirit lives inside this body.  God gave this body to me as a gift.  The goal was not to force my body to look a certain way by the world's standard.  The plan God has for me is gain experience in this body.  A lot of spiritual religions talk about transcending the body, leaving it behind to gain enlightenment, but Christianity teaches that God will reunite our spirits with our bodies.  I believe that part of our goal in this life is to learn how to harmonize our spirit and body.  That the enlightenment will come from our recognition of the gift we have received from God in this one precious body and we start treating it as a divine gift.

With that approach I chose to start a Body Recovery Journal.  I wanted to try again to diet but with a mindful, loving approach.  I wanted to eat food and exercise with love in mind.  When I chose to eat something it was not to punish or control my body but to tend and take care of and enjoy my body.  When I chose to exercise it was not to force a result, but to enjoy my body's strength and ability to move and to challenge it appropriately.  I made no weight loss goals.

I used SMART Goals.  
Specific
Measurable
Actionable
Relevant
Time-bound

I also found it helpful to reference VAPID goals to make sure I was avoiding those:
Vague
Amorphous
Pie-in-Sky
Irrelevant
Delayed

For example, my first goal was to chart my progress every 2 weeks through a weigh in and measuring.  My second goal was to keep a food journal to help track my eating and macro nutrients.  I actually began with the 6 week body makeover food plan in mind and I worked really hard to make it work in my schedule.  Then my body started having health problems that really surprised me.  First I got gout in my right big toe.  I never had experienced it before and it was extremely painful.  I immediately researched what I could do and started eating celery.  There was no decent explanation for what caused it and I have not experience another flare up since then.  I have learned that when I set out with a plan and get blocked enough that it might be God's way of steering me a different direction.  My encounter with gout was not enough of a deterrent so the next thing that happened was my period stopped.  For 3 months.  As part of my religion I fast monthly from food and water for 2 meals but I decided to try a longer fast for healing.  It seemed like it worked because my period began again in January of 2019 and it followed my normal pattern.  I thought everything was fine until February when I had the heaviest longest period of my life.  After 3 weeks I called my doctor and got medicine to stop it.  The next period was worse and I went to the hospital.  I had several visits with my doctor and my sister recommended I try the Keto Diet.  So I did some more research and in April I pulled out my Body Recovery Book to try again with the Keto Diet.  The food journal was very helpful in the beginning when I was trying to calculate my carb and protein intake.  

Another SMART goal I made was a check-in at the 8 week mark.  In my calendar for tracking progress I made sure that every 8 weeks I would write answers to the following questions:  

How do I feel... spiritually? emotionally? physically?

I also decided to take a picture at the 16 week mark.  I used a  regular daily planner, but I divided it in half so I could keep the daily food journal log and the bi-weekly progress tracking.  Once I got the hang of my menu, I didn't worry about writing my food down every day.  I focused on daily goals like exercising in the morning before breakfast and making sure I ate enough protein.  I also noticed I could have goals of finding foods I enjoyed to replace the foods I was avoiding.  

Eventually, I had to use my recovery tool of surrender again.  This time I needed to surrender my desire to eat popcorn, rice, beans and potatoes.  I missed them a lot but the Keto was successfully solving the problem that led me to it in the first place--namely the dysfunctional bleeding.  I didn't have control over my desire to eat those things but I could choose not to eat them anyway.  So I surrendered my desire to eat them.  I didn't know if God would take the desire to eat carbs from me or if I would have to struggle with it forever.  I did have an interesting experience.  The last time I gave in and ate popcorn, I was angry.  I was angry that Keto was the answer and that I didn't want it to be the answer.   I was angry that I couldn't just eat what I wanted when I wanted.  I was angry that I felt stuck in other areas in my life.  I got no pleasure or satisfaction from eating the popcorn and that added to my anger as well.  It has been months since I have eaten popcorn and I was at the movie theater last week and remembered the desire to eat popcorn.  I became aware of the smell of popcorn wafting from the seat next to me and it smelled...distasteful, slightly burnt and unappetizing.  Maybe, I will eventually feel no desire to eat popcorn.  I have never drunk coffee and never desired to taste it and the smell of coffee to me was similar to what I experienced when I smelled the popcorn.

Why does this matter?  What difference does it make if I still lost weight on Keto?  I think before when I tried to lose weight it was because I rejected my fat body and I wanted to have a specific outcome.  I did a lot of damage to my body over the years with that attitude.  I believe that attitude is prevalent in our mainstream society as well.  I think that is the reason the weight loss industry is getting so wealthy off our rejection attitude.  Because when that magic weight loss goal number is achieved without loving a previously fat body all that is discovered is a disappointment that the skinny body has not changed in it's value or worth.  Because now it is a skinny body with saggy skin and stretch marks and not the magical airbrushed magazine cover body imagined from the beginning.  I began my journey with love.  Part of my anger over the popcorn was because I loved my fat body and I was happy with it and happy eating popcorn!  I needed to mourn the loss of popcorn and mourn the change in my diet that I was resisting.  I have learned that mourning is a part of my process of change and that is part of my human experience.  I wasn't dieting because I hated my body and wanted it to change, I was changing my diet because I loved my body and wanted to give it what it needed.  I love my skinny body too.  My skinny body has equal worth and value to my fat body.  I will continue to love it and keep treating it like the gift it is.  You can congratulate me on my weight loss, and I will thank you politely.  But I am not celebrating weight loss.  I am celebrating my love found for my body.